I sit on the ground. My bare feet touch the grass. Shoes are overrated. I hear goats in the background. Two of them are having sex. A couple of butterflies and blue dragonflies circle around me. There are no clouds in the sky and no protection from the blasting sun. I do not talk. I write.
Only hours before writing these words, I witnessed the most powerful thunderstorm of my life. I am still permeated by feelings of both fear and fascination. I am overwhelmed by the character of what I experienced last night. The scent of the storm still lingers in the air.
After an exhausting day, we decided that we wanted to sleep under the stars. We pulled out our sleeping bags, blew out the candle, and moved as close together as possible. I do not have a pillow, so I take my backpack. I feel sardine cases on my head. It is not comfortable. I do not care, though.
We cuddle. Shooting stars appear. We talk about our dreams. There are more shooting stars, then we have desires. I think this a good thing.
At this moment, ego, status, or money is of no importance. My newfound friends fall asleep. There is nobody to impress here. No need to pretend. I let my guard down.
It is a whimsical night. My thoughts drift. I watch the trees in the background. They gloom weirdly in the moonlight. They do not care. They do not judge me.
I cannot help but think about why I wanted to start to vagabond in the first place. Maybe I wanted to escape. Maybe I wanted to become more special. I am unsure at this point. I know, however, that I am no longer waiting live. My journey has started.
I know that years from now, I will still remember this moment of my life.
I will say that once I was young. That once I was impossibly young. That I slept under the free sky. That I loved. That I lost. That I lived.
Go All The Way
A conversation I had some time ago pops up. I talked to a young poet, we talked about humans constant craving for external validation. A drive to be special. A drive to be more. Nobody leaves this earth unscarred I feel.
Sometimes, we are hurt so gravely that we internalise, that we must take extreme measures to make sure that we are never left or hurt again. This does not work. It is unavoidable that life is going kick you in the nuts. Investigating our why is of utmost importance. Are you taking that new job because it aligns with your mission in life, or do you take that job because it is a safe choice and it aligns with what other people think you should do with your time on earth? Fck those other people.
Often, we do things because we are worried about the opinion of others. I believe the psychological process behind it is that we subconsciously think that if we do what everybody wants us to do, we will be loved. We will not be left or hurt again. We are all unsatisfied children. We want daddy or mommy to come to say ”you are a good kid”.
Realising that stuff is going to happen anyway, frees you to a degree from pleasing others at your cost. Nothing is worse than a life unlived. Regret is the enemy.
My thoughts are interrupted by a weird flash of light in the sky. A storm is coming. In the roaring night, I make a promise to myself. I will live this life to the extreme.
My friend wakes up with the scent of the distant rain. We get up. We do not wake the girls yet. We sit down and face the other side of the clear horizon. We discover the full magnitude of the storm. We do not take precautions just yet. The gloomy darkness is interrupted by the rumble of distant thunder. Thunderbolts appear. Our eyes are not yet adapted to the light, and each thunderbolt blinds us.
We do not talk. We move our tent away, so we are not waked with next by a pine tree hitting our tent.
I am stunned and dazzled by the eventfulness of this trip. It started as an experiment to prove to myself that even without money, travelling is possible. That the condition I feared, can actually be pretty awesome. What has started as an experiment had become an adventure and an inner journey.
While sitting in the face of the violent spectacle, I think about my dream. What my decision of becoming a wandering psychologist and digital nomad will cost. What it already has cost me. From losing the people I loved. To being mocked. To feeling hunger. To freezing at train stations, and I declared to myself, that I was willing to pay whatever. I had no choice at this point anymore. I have to do this.
If you are reading this, and you have a dream, do not just contemplate chasing it. Do it. Go all the way. What you are experiencing right now is only a glimpse of what is waiting for you.
Since my journey has just started, I end today’s article by borrowing the words of someone who has finished his journey: Charles Bukowski. As always, thanks for reading, and go kick a*s in life.
Roll the dice
If you’re going to try, go all the way. otherwise, do not even start. if you’re going to try, go all the way. this could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, jobs and maybe your mind. go all the way.
It could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days. it could mean freezing on a park bench. it could mean jail, it could mean derision, mockery, isolation. isolation is the gift, all the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. and you’ll do it despite rejection and the worst odds and it will be better than anything else
you can imagine.
If you’re going to try, go all the way. there is no other feeling like that. you will be alone with the gods and the nights will flame with fire.
Do it, do it, do it. do it.
All the way all the way.
You will ride life straight to perfect laughter, it’s the only good fight there is.
– Charles Bukowski